Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
