as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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