My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
