Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
