the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
