Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So much Jack, so little girl.
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