Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
