I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
