I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
