The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
