Cold hands, warm shart.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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