thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
