First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He passed out mid-signature
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
