I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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