I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Randomize
