They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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