had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
