He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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