When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
