Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
