i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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