you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
