God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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