I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
