Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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