Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
