Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
