Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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