my phone needs a breathalizer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
