Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
