I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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