Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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