Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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