my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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