I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
