How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
