Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
