My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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