he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
