I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
