I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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