I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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