lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
