new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
