you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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