So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
