Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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