i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
