I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
