i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
