i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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